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Food/weight update

Warning rant ahead, beware! Though I would appreciate it if you read my rant and could help me out. X-posted to live journal/deviantart
Ah... dammit all. Well I have good news and bad news about the weight problem. The good news? I AM losing it, heck I've lost upwards of 15 lbs since I last posted on here. Not going to lie, I am pretty friggin' proud of that. AND the dress for the wedding was shipped to my house, and it FITS! :D (I am not stopping yet though, see if I can't make it look even more awesome :D) So yes that is all awesome and wonderful... however the bad news: I am a vegetarian.

Okay before anyone goes "OMG!! HOW CAN YOU SAY BEING A VEGETARIAN IS A BAD THING?! RAWR! RAWR! RAWR!" like the obnoxious trolls we all hate so much listen to my reasoning first: YES I pretty much am a vegetarian, kind of no other option if I avoid most of the junk food in my cafeteria. What about the meat? If you have ever had BAD college cafeteria food, you probably know where I'm going with that... it's just not appealing to me much anymore.

Now here's my predicament, and fellow vegetarians will know where I'm going with this: if I eat meat, then I get nauseous the next day no matter if I only had a little nibble. And sometimes, my cafeteria have special lunches where they only serve a certain style of food (for Chinese new year it was Chinese food, there was a day when it was just southern type food (lots of fried stuff) and yesterday it was healthy day) Now they usually have none of the constant food they have there normally for lunch and dinner on these days. And most of the food they DO have is either nasty (/REALLY unhealthy), or meat... so normally I end up having to eat the meat because the other stuff is just gross. I mean, I've gotta eat right? Better than nothing. Well I am kind of getting sick of having to eat meat and feeling like I'm going to throw up the next day, especially when it's almost that time of the month and I get nauseous before then anyway. Combined they are not fun, trust me.

I am currently debating with myself if it is worth it to stay a vegetarian when this happens every time I eat meat because when I go back home in the summer time there will be meat at most likely every dinner. (We're big omnivores... or at least I used to be) OR should I just wean myself back on meat and try to have it once or twice a week at least... currently I am unsure because while being a vegetarian DID help me to lose quite a bit of weight, I do look a little sickly (as in pale, not weight, still on the heavier side of the scale (lol unintentional pun)) and sometimes feel rather dehydrated no matter how much water I drink. Ugh nausea again... So I overall I don't really know exactly what is wrong with me. And currently I don't have enough time to be able to go check it out at the doctors with school and shit... REALLY hope I'm not anemic...

Oh and just to clarify: I'm more a vegetarian out of circumstances rather than flat out choice. Pretty sure I already mentioned it, but just in case: the meat in the cafeteria is usually something that tastes like shit to me personally, or something really unhealthy... so yeah. I'm at a loss... Any suggestions?

P.S. If somebody even MENTIONS a certain "vampire" series in response to the word vegetarian, consider yourself dead to me. D<


College, Weight and Art... Help?

Eh, been a while eh? Over a year if I'm counting right. But my first quarter (yes quarter, my college is weird like that and has quarters instead of semesters meaning instead of 16 weeks we have 10... It's kind of awesome too because while most go back late August, we go back late September) was hectic, and rather stressful. You can't really blame me, being completely on my own for the first time in 19 years, yeah I'd say I'm allowed a little leeway. But I'm not entirely gonna go into why it was stressful (on the off chance that my mom ever gets a hold of this blog before next quarter... which is unlikely because it begins on the 3rd of January, but I'm paranoid) Regardless, something rather exciting and depressing have happened this last quarter as well.

First, the depressing thing, just to get it out of the way. The fact is that I have gained 20 lbs. (if not more I'm a little afraid of the scale right now) since summertime. Now usually I wouldn't give a damn, because my weight is my business, and nobody else, plus the fact that most freshmen gain weight their first semester(in my case quarter). But here's the problem; there is a wedding that I'm taking part in. My cousin's wedding to be exact, and I'm a bride's maid. I don't know what usually happens but the bride, my cousin's fiance has decided to order all the dresses together to get a discount... without any of the bridesmaids trying them on... they asked for out measurements from the summertime, and I had recently lost quite a bit of weight... It's four months later, and I'm pretty damn sure that the numbers I told her have gone up. Don't get me wrong, I will be working hard to try to get back to that weight so I look awesome for the wedding, BUT, I'm terrified that my busy schedule for college will interfere with being able to eat healthy and exercising as much as I need to... Sometimes, on my days off I've slept 'til 8pm (once the day before an exam you can imagine my horror that I had lost a day of studying) and will just scarf something unhealthy down to get something to eat before working on homework and bull crap like that. I REALLY want to be looking my best not only for myself, but for my new... cousin-in-law? Is that what she'd be? Cousin by marriage? 2nd cousin? Whatever, regardless, I love my cousin's fiance, she's probably one of the sweetest girls you'll ever meet, but I'm afraid that I'll fuck something up and won't be able to lose the weight in time.... So I'm ranting here to try to calm myself down, (and possibly look for any tips/support from anyone out there) I'm serious, I'm almost terrified that I will screw this up... not to mention the fact that my uncle said something last Christmas that really bothered me. ("Be a pretty big bridesmaid" in response to finding out I was chosen to be one... I wasn't in the best of shape last Christmas either...) So you can imagine that I'm not feeling my best about it.

But now, onto the awesome thing to lift the mood slightly; my art has greatly improved over the last 10 or so weeks. When I thought the opposite would be happening. Now don't get me wrong, I still am not the greatest artist in the friggin' universe (I still have yet to discover the owner of this title) but I have improved. And not just in shaping my art to look more like what I want it to, but the shading as well... GOOD GRAVY DO I LOVE COMPUTERS! Without any computer I am useless with my coloring skills. I am not kidding, I am pretty much on par with a 12 year old in coloring with markers, pencils, pens, and paints I'm probably on par with a 7-8 year old depending on the picture... Ah I'm starting to ramble slightly, but I'm just excited. I bet you are wondering what kind of art with make me so proud to make me a rambling mess... well my pixel art (which I've been doing since first semester of Sophomore year high school) is pretty friggin' epic if I do say so myself. Okay it's not perfect, but if you look at the stuff I have from back when I was first starting to pixel, I've really improved. Not to mention the fact that I've also gotten into cell shading, which is actually fun too... not that I'm really going anywhere with that and haven't done that in a bit.

Here's even a preview of my pixel art: (Click it to see the full picture if you're interested) And YES that is really my doll, don't believe me? It's in the same gallery as the one I post under my links, plus it has the same name. But if you really don't believe me, drop me a private message on Deviantart, I guarantee that it's me. (Plus I love getting private messages on Deviantart it makes me feel special)


I know, I know it's been a while, but unfortunately school life comes first, no matter what. I've been trying to get online and post another journal, but being a senior is taxing at times.
Anyway, back to my life. As I stated above, I'm a senior now, and life has been difficult. However, several things have not escaped my attention; one of my friends has been inviting freshman to sit with us, normally I have no problem allowing more people into our group... but for some reason, these two freshmen just, really bother me... they seem to be different attributes of me. For instance, one has glasses, doesn't wear make-up and seems, well socially awkward. While the other is tall, crazy, and an insomniac (like I was in freshman year) Perhaps it bugs me that I feel I'm being replaced or something like that... I dunno.
Regardless there are several other things I noticed as well. Like the fact that no matter how hard I try, mom still seems to criticize everything I do. And the fact that my brother has the mouth of a sailor... he used to be so cute and innocent! Now he says the F-word at least once a day if not more! *grumbles* Oh and my own personal computer is broken (I hijacked my brother's for right now) Other than that though I'm doing pretty good, got awesome grades last quarter (SCORE)! And I'm loosing weight as well!Oh and did I mention I was a senior?! Because I am. :D
Sorry, I'm just rather excited. Oh and I got to do that baptism thing, very relaxing, don't know if I did everything right, but I enjoyed doing it anyway.



I've recently been in a better mood than I have been for the past week. I've been more cheerful, happier, and all around easier to be around.

"What could have caused this? Just last week you were complaining how much you dislike your mom!" While this is true, I've just been feeling better, albeit more tired. Sure I'm not completely over my chronic depression, but I've been feeling much better. Hell, while all I wanted to listen to last week was "emo" songs, (no offense meant, I just can't think of any other way to describe it) all I want to listen to now is Jason Mraz, and much more cheerful songs.

Though I'm still an insomniac... and overeat... but I'm doing better with my exercise and socializing... But I'm improving, if somewhat slowly.

As for what's been going on, I'm currently alone in the house with my brother, my mom away visiting her father in Manhattan. She left for a day, leaving me in charge. W00T! She's giving me responsibility, she trusts me! :D And we just had a lazy day, sleeping in late, and having fun. Not that we wouldn't have gone somewhere else if our cousin, aunt of uncle asked us, they just didn't.

Ah I'm probably rambling now, talking about unimportant things, but of course, it's 3am, and I can't sleep, so I'm gonna end it here, before I stop making sense... But knowing me, I probably passed that a while ago. xD


F*** my life, just f*** it. I am so sick of this never ending shit that keeps happening. Ever since my father's death in December 2006, my life has pretty much hit rock bottom... or at least as close to hitting rock bottom as you can be without doing drugs or being an alcoholic. (I'd never do any of that crap) But seriously, my life is crap, my mom won't get off my case about anything, like my food consumption, sleeping habits, and exercise.

I am 18, I am no longer a freaking minor! It is my life, and I can live it however the hell I want to! She had her chance to live her life, this is MINE. It should be my choices, and my consequences for any poorly made ones! That is the only way I learn! Crazy Mom! So what if I'm incapable of doing exercise for a day? F*** that shit! So what if I finished a box of treats over the course of a week. (Mind you there were only 6 in the box before I opened it)

If you came over to our home in the morning or even sometimes in the evening, you would hear the screaming from miles away, it's a wonder I still have my singing voice I've screamed at her so loud. I need to get away from this home, away from her watchful eye, and overbearing rules. But she doesn't believe I am ready for the trials of college (I've still got another year at high school anyway!) Ugh, I may sound like just a little whiny bitch, but I truthfully despise my mom currently... and I mean it. She's keeping me from my interests by taking away all the electronics for days at a time! She yells at me for EVERY screw up I ever have, and she has these little ways of letting me know she's disappointed with my choice of food.

Ugh, I'm rambling again, dammit I hate doing that. Now I'm not without my flaws, for instance since about 6 months after my father's death, I began developing chronic depression. I had several symptoms; persistently sad, anxious, angry, irritable, "empty" mood, feelings of hopelessness, pessimism, feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness, loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed, insomnia, oversleeping, overeating and/or weight gain, fatigue, decreased energy, being "slowed down", crying spells, thoughts of death or suicide, restlessness, irritability, difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions, and persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and/or chronic pain. But I hid it well for a while, brushing any outbursts off as just being before, during, or after my time of the month, and the hormones were affecting me. But one day, a week or two ago, my feelings consumed me, I felt depressed, crying several times, I just wanted to be left alone, but nobody would. Soon my aunt caught on, and expressed to my mom worry. Mom of course began asking questions I had no interest in answering...

I feel a bit better about myself... I guess I just needed to let my feelings out... but I suppose that doesn't make too much sense does it?


Homosexuality and religion

I went to Church on Sunday, like a good Catholic I suppose. And I heard the priest say something interesting. He said, "[Jesus] associated and was the patron of the outcasts."

If this is true, then why does the Catholic Church shun homosexuals? Should we NOT try to follow Jesus' teachings in every way possible? Or is the Catholic Church the all powerful being who decides which teachings we should follow and which we should not?

Some of you may argue that "Homosexuals are evil!" or "They are sinning against God!" But then I say, if all humans are made in God's image, then why do we treat homosexuals differently? Are they not human also? Do you really believe that they are destined for hell just because of their preference? Does this mean that people who like only vanilla/chocolate, or strawberry ice cream are destined for hell too? Or people who only wear their hair a certain way are destined for hell? Those too are preferences, albeit for different things, but basically the same, all are just ways that people prefer things.

What other arguments are out there? Ah yes, the fact that the Gospel says: "A man shall not lie with another man as he would a woman."  But did Jesus actually say that? Wasn't it Paul or one of the disciples that said that? And besides, has Jesus not said things that contradicts the Bible? As in the Beatitudes?

Do not get me wrong, the first time I learned about homosexuals, I thought they were sinning against God myself. However, I came to the realization that God gave us the gift of free will, and that persecution someone else for their choices that cause no harm to others, is just wrong. And in fact that is exactly what many people did to blacks in the south, and what the Nazis did to the Jews, albeit this is not as violent nor on such a large scale, but the principle is the same. No matter how you toss the die, it is still wrong. And in my opinion, Jesus would not approve.


Hello fellow people of livejournal.com! I am Kandechan!
Majiku: Well duh!!
Me: And this is my muse Majiku *sigh* This is just a formality, seeing as I never really introduced myself in the first post... ^^; My name is Kande Apupure, buy you can call me Kande, Kande-chan, or as my friend Ashlee calls me; "Kankan" ^^ I really am not picky. I'm in my late teens, live in Southern California, I have red hair and hazel eyes. That enough info? I'm going to use this as a journal that my friends from real life will have a less chance of reading. Because as my previous entry shows, my life is rather dramatic... and usually I need to rant without them finding out about it ^^; Selfish possibly, but I have good reason to.
Majiku: SUUUURREE Kande.
Me: Please just ignore her whenever she says things like that... so that's all about me! and I'll probably update soon! :D